Let's clear the air a little, shall we?

To my friends, thank you for reading and commenting on my blog. I meant my last blog to about the srtuggle of dealing with grief while dieting, not neccesarily focus on the one off handed comment. I rather wanted to give a glimpse of the crazy and hurtful things that people have said to me or about me during this period in my life, and ask how others have dealt with this, as I know many of you have. Thanks for knowing me and my heart. I look forward to reading the book two of y'all recommended me. I am always looking for ways to grow.

To Sarah P. who commented,

"I happen to come across your blog through friends of some friends. I am with you on the weight loss stuff!
About the grief, I just hope your friend doesn't read your blog. I don't know if you are just trying to get a reaction out of people to tell you how great you are or just venting.
Just from past experience, I would check your resources before jumping to conclusions about he said/she said."

Thanks for reading my blog. I believe you misread my venting (and yes, I was venting as many people do on their blogs). I did not call this person a friend, I rather quite certainly did not, all I said was that this was a person that I know that I have not talked to in about two months. Only the person that said this knows who he/she is. I am not ashamed for them to read my blog. If you say something about someone in public, especially false hurtful comments, you should be ok with others knowing about it. I will not apologize or make excuses for other's actions. To be honest, I feel that a major problem our society faces is that we are not responsible for our actions. People say and do whatever they want whenever they want and rarely have to face consequences. My source was reliable, and I took out a lot of the chatter. Again, I was not trying to make this a blog about that one comment, but rather the tole that comments like that take on a person. I will openly admit that I am an emotional eater, and as I am in an emotional state right now, I am admitting that I need encouragement and help. This was an attempt to be vulnerable and honest, and I am sad that you took it for something more sinister and manipulative.
As to whether or not I meant to solicit responses, I made that very clear, but I did not ask for a pat on the back but rather advice on how to respond. I am not writing an online diary, but hope to gather responses and dialog from my entries. Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought that that was the point of blogs.

I invite you all to continue reading and commenting. Since some of you do not know me, I invite you to read a little further back, and see who I am a little deeper than this post. The other comments on here are from people I have know 10 to 20 or more years. So they may have thought that I needed a pat on the back, since that is what friends are for. I have taken off the anonymous comment option, I love comments, but I also like people to be held accountable, you know who I am, so I would like to know who you are. Thanks!

New Adventure

Well, I have debated about whether to tell all my five readers about this, but I decided that I will. I have decided to start a weight loss journey. I would rather call it a "lifestyle change", but until I have lost about 50 pounds I need to focus on the weight loss. My sweet husband has decided to join me, and we have already seen a little progress in just a few days. We are doing a home version of Weight Watchers since there is not a meeting close enough to justify driving. I just want to get healthy. Brandon and I would like to start a family in the next couple of years, and I need to get my body in better shape before we start that. I have learned while taking care of a little one all day, that I need to be a lot healthier to deal with chasing a baby around 24/7. I know that others out there have struggled and overcome with their own weight loss journeys, so any advice and ideas is welcome.

On another completely unrelated note, a certain person called me a "depressed" "shut-in" that needs to "get over" the loss of Momma (paraphrased, but those were the exact phrases used). At first I was livid. How dare someone say this about me, they said this to a friend in town, not even to my face. She hasn't talked to me in about two months, so obviously she has no idea what I have been up to or feeling recently. But after I have thought about it for awhile, I feel sorry for this person. How sad to judge me and my life, especially blindly. I am no where near shut in. I get out daily, going to shop, going over to friends houses, etc. I just haven't hung out with her. Also, how terrible that she thinks you need to get over grief. It is impossible to get over grief. I will never apologize for grieving right now. My sweet hubby has felt the brunt of this attack, reassuring me that there is no certain period of time that I should be over this, and that he knows it will never go away.

How have you out there that have dealt with grief dealt with people like this? How do you handle those that judge you for being sad, and are critical of your ways of grieving? Grief is such a private and personal thing, but yet, so many feel that they need to tell you exactly what to do and what to feel. I know that I have used food to silence painful thoughts, and that is why I am the weight that I am. I would be foolish to think that I could change my eating habits without being honest about my feelings. It is going to be a struggle to not eat my way through hard times, but I want to learn how.

Take a second....

I don't know if you have heard of this family or not, but I have been sucked is by their blog. Nathan, the author, is the husband of a woman who is courageously and graciously battling cystic fibrosis. They had a beautiful daughter 12 weeks ago that was born very premature, and is growing and developing with God's grace. They found out today that there is a possible donor for a lung transplant. They have had a false alarm before, so I can only imagine the pins and needles they are waiting on. Tricia (mom) needs the transplant to be able to fully enjoy her daughter and husband without being attached to a ventilator and in the hospital. Please pray that these are the lungs for her, and if they are, that the surgery goes well. I only watched my Momma suffer with a lung disease for a few days, but I have a tender spot for those that suffer with any lung disease.

Take time and catch up with their family when you have a chance, and remember them if your prayers. We have an awesome God and I believe that His plan is perfect.

Their blog in case my links don't work: cfhusband.blogspot.com

Happy Anniversary Baby!

Today is Brandon and my second anniversary. We talked last night about how we had been through a lot these past two years, but that we are so glad to have each other. I would not trade a day for what I have with Brandon. He is the best husband and friend. He has blessed my life so much, and I do not think that I could have made it this year with out him.

Happy anniversary baby, I love you!

Happy Easter

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Easter. We had a wonderful with our friends. We spent the day with our friends that have a precious 3 month old and his parents and sister. It was so nice to be with them all day, and I made it through the day tear free. I loved watching Josie's grandparents dote over her all day. Brandon and I took some precious pictures of her in her Easter dress, and as soon as we get them downloaded I will post a few. I took a bunch of them, I want to practice my photography skills and build my portfolio, and Josie (and her parents :) ) is a great helper!

I am again reminded that God has an amazing plan for Brandon and me, and I cannot wait to see it unfold. The glimpses I get are breathtaking, and I know that everything that has happened has happened for a reason. We have been blessed with an amazing family of friends that helps bridge the gaps between us and our families hundreds of miles away. I pray that you all have friends that help you, and I pray that I can be that friend to others.

I miss my momma

Thanks guys for all of your encouraging comments. I agree with the majority that say to keep blogging about the real stuff. So here I go...

I miss my Momma. Every day I think of her. I catch myself thinking about talking to her about something, or forget for just a second that she is gone, and my heart aches all over again. I know that it has been awhile, almost 5 months, but I still hurt. Lately we have had some disappointments and I have never needed Momma's advice more. While our relationship wasn't perfect in the past, since adulthood Momma and I had become close. Any time something happened, I would call her for her advice, and mostly for her prayers. I think that not knowing she is there to pray for me is the hardest of all. After every bad call I got working for the state I would call her and have her pray for the child involved. She would never forget what I had asked her to pray about, and she would always follow up on it with me later. Any time someone was sick, one call to her and I knew that they would be covered in prayer.

Brandon and I have made a huge change moving away from our families, and it has been the best decision we have made (I will blog about that later), but it hasn't been without its hardships. I have been lonely, and thankfully have made wonderful friends that help with that, but we experienced another loss just recently. The friends that helped us move out here have separated themselves from us. It has been stressful and couldn't have come at a worse time. All I have wanted to do is call Momma and tell her what has happened. I want to hear what she would tell me to do. It is so hard that I cannot. It isolates me even more.

Grief is such a difficult emotion to overcome. It can be overwhelming. It takes over my dreams, my thoughts, and clouds everything that is going on around me. Struggles that we are having wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't grieving. But I can't pretend anymore. I am grieving. I do not know how long it will take to feel better. I have felt better a little bit everyday, but setbacks are hard to overcome. I know that others have experienced losses, how did you recover? What did you do to help you when you ached for a lost loved one?

Thanks for your patience and understanding. I am glad to be back blogging, I hope you are glad too!

Why do we blog?

I love blogs. I love "keeping up" with friends through their pictures and updates online. If it wasn't for blogs, I wouldn't know about 85% of what I do about my friends. But I am at a rock and a hard place when it comes to blogging... what do people want to know?

As many of you know, this has been a very rough few months for me, full of changes, not all bad at all, but changes nonetheless. Brandon and I started out the changes by moving out to West Texas so that Brandon could take a job in IT. That was a great move for us, but it hasn't been without its own struggles. Then, within weeks of moving, I lost my mother within hours of finding out she had a life threatening disease. I went down to help her recover from what we thought was a bad case of pneumonia, and ended up staying to plan her memorial service. The blog world comforted and mourned with me during this time. I feel as though this blog has provided me with a place to vent, to unwind, but it hasn't been without struggles. If I go beyond just what is happening, and write about my feelings, I have always had someone get their feelings hurt, most of the time, completely unintentionally.

Thus, the reason for weeks of nonblogging. Is this blog merely a place for pictures and short updates, or should blogs be able to be deeper than that? I love reading about others and their joys and struggles. I have learned so much from others getting real on their blogs and sharing what truly is on their minds and their hearts. So I am really contemplating... do I dare blog about what is on my mind, or do I keep posting pictures and quick updates. Does the blog world think that I share too much? I do not want to just complain on here, there are wonderful things that are happening too, but even those blogs bring on unsolicited negative comments as well. Is it worth it?

I'd love your input. What do you think? I'm debating this and I guess my next post will tell what I have decided.