Two years ago today I lost my Momma. It hurt, physically, the first few months. It was a dull ache in my chest that could take my breath away. I remember asking Brandon if it was normal, because I had never experienced grief in that way. Everything had happened so quickly, she was only in the hospital a couple of weeks, so I think shock protected me from a lot those first few months. Every day it seemed to get a little better, the tears came less frequently; I no longer needed to carry that hanky that had been given to me by a sweet friend at the funeral. I was healing. The anniversary last year was sad, but we got through it. I knew that the grief was still strong, so I went to a grief class at church, and talked through my grief.
I breathed a sigh of relief. I had survived losing Momma. I could do this.
Then Momma’s birthday rolled around, and it was harder than I thought. I think the worst part was that everyone else was moving on. My little world had stopped and yet everyone else’s was still going. These past few days have been really hard. I have tried to keep going, keep doing what I am supposed to be doing, but it seems like swimming upstream. I know that it will get better, and I also know that it is ok to feel grief. I guess I just didn’t expect it to be so hard still. I didn’t expect to still “forget” that she is gone and go to call her still two years later. I didn’t expect that I would still think that I need to tell her when things were exciting or sad. I also didn’t realize all the times that I would need her and she wouldn’t be here. How hard birthdays are without her to make a big deal of it. How all of a sudden I had no other woman in my immediate family to talk to about girl things. How much I would miss her silly cards on St. Patrick’s day with a $5 dollar bill to give us some “green”, or an Easter basket even though we are 20 years too old for baskets. Or how much I would miss the way she loved Brandon as her own, how hard she tried to treat him exactly the same as she treated us. She could have written a book on how to treat your children’s’ spouses. (I will interject that Dad is excellent at this as well, I am so very grateful.) She no longer had two children, she had three. Or how much I would miss her advice, even if I didn’t want to hear it. I never thought about how much I would miss seeing an email from her pop up, and how much trouble she would have tried to get into on Facebook. She would have had a million friends.
I just didn’t know. And now I do. I am so sad of all the things she won’t be around for in the future. She should be there when we find out we are pregnant someday. She should be there for my children. She, of all people, should have gotten to experience being a grandma. She should be deciding what to do for the holidays, and what we will have. She was a lot of our link to our extended family, and I miss seeing them.
I know that I will survive this crazy rollercoaster of not having a Mom. I know that it will get easier, that people will help fill the gaps. I have an amazing husband, who in our second year of marriage dealt with my loss with such love and grace. My dad has done everything he can to be both parents to us. Brady has been there to listen, and most importantly, to help me laugh. I have a wonderful and wise Grandma that has held my hand and loved on me, even when her grief was still fresh from losing Grandpa. I have wonderful friends that have been patient and understanding, and have been here for me at a moment’s notice. I love Momma’s friends, and several still check in with me, just sometimes to tell me that they miss her too.
I am blessed. More than I deserve. So I will move forward. I will focus on my blessings, that is what Momma would tell me to do. But man, I will miss her telling me to!!!!
